It’s Been 45 Minutes

By Hayley Hinz

To Him
“What have I done? What have I done? What have I done?” The unfortunate mantra kept running through my mind. I can’t dwell on this. Not now. Focus on work, focus on anything else. Oh shit the tears are coming.

“Excuse me, I’m just going to run to the restroom,” I mumbled to my co-worker as I hastily fled my desk. I just have to check my messages one more time, maybe he’s written me back. Eyes focusing on anything else but the people I was passing I walked briskly to the women’s room. Thank God! No one’s in here. I chose the second stall and sat down.

Deep breath, pull out the phone. No voice message. Maybe he sent a text message? Nope, not that either. I clicked on the inbox, it glared at me annoyingly void. Was it just a mere forty-five minutes ago my current world came crashing down?

I had been mulling over, actually obsessing over, a situation with my best friend for months. He’s been the man in my life, the one I laugh with, complain with; the first one I talk to in the morning and the last one I speak to at night. I’ve always harbored a small crush on him but it’s never been anything to worry about. Until, he started seeing this other girl and obsessing over her. I couldn’t contain my jealousy, my fear. I’ve become the most insecure girl I know, constantly wondering why her and not me? Finally something snapped inside of my head the day before and I started to compose a letter to set the record straight, to get everything out in the open.
Hey you! – No too casual, he might take it as a joke.

Dear Trevor: - Nah, way too formal, he’ll freak out.

No introduction, we don’t need one anyways. We’ve known one another for awhile. Hell, I’ve told him everything about me. Well, except this. How do I tell him this?

So I need to be brutally honest with you. I need to be brutally honest with myself. I want to tell you something, not because I want to place an expectation on you but rather, because it is fact and you should know. Oh man, this will change everything. Maybe I shouldn’t do this? Why am I doing this? Am I just giving into faulty advice? I’ve been fine, it only bothers me when he talks about other girls. Other than that our relationship is fine, great really! However, every time he mentions “her” it takes everything inside of me to not burst into tears. Doesn’t he see me?

Come on, we have the same sense of humor, we enjoy the same activities, our friends get along, even my dog loves him. How does he not see this? How does he not feel this? It must be looks, we’re only missing the physical attraction -- well, he’s only missing the physical attraction. I’ve always thought he was adorable. Maybe I should stick this out and one day he’ll see me the way other guys see me?
“No! Stop it! This is why this needs to be done. You, you need to be free to move on. It’s not fair for him to play with your emotions. He can go out and date other girls without a second thought and then come back and have the stability of a friendship that looks like a relationship. You on the other hand don’t know how to like him and be open to other possibilities. You keep waiting for him to recognize what you have and that he wants you. It has not happened. There is nothing saying that it will ever happen. You need to do this.”

I love you, I have for a while. I need to tell you because if you don’t ever see yourself feeling the same way, I need you to do some things for me.

Oh crap, there it is. I typed it, I put it out there. I wish there was a way I could do this in person. I’ve tried that though, and I chickened out. I know myself: This is the only way it will ever happen. “Quick just finish the letter, get this out of your system.”

We need to take some time apart. Please stop calling and texting me as often as you do. This also means that I am not going to hang out with you for awhile. I need some time to sort out my feelings and nothing will ever be resolved if I see you every day.

Please stop going out of your way for me. It makes it hard for me to ignore my feelings when I feel you’re actions are special to me. I love that you want to care for your friends as deeply as you do; however, I cannot separate your actions from my emotions.

Lastly, I cannot help you sort out your personal life any longer. This has been the hardest on me. It’s been extremely difficult for me to hear your girl problems when all I have wanted is to be that girl.

Okay, I did it. I confessed and then offered solutions. It’s over, right? I purged this from my system. I won’t have to think about this anymore. I can focus on everything else in my life for once.

My eyes grazed over the words one more time. I should probably end this on a better note.

I am so sorry if this catches you off guard. You’re an amazing person and I have been so lucky to have had you in my life but at this time I just cannot be close friends with you. With love.

It’s done. Now to press “Send” . . . it’s now or never. I hear the click of the key and see the screen process my request, my love, my life.

That was forty-five minutes ago. Now, I’m at work trying to hold my composure. I’m stuck hanging in limbo until I know his response, his thoughts. I check my phone one more time before stealing a glance at myself in the mirror. No message. Good, you can’t really tell that everything inside me is dying to run away. I sit at my desk and wait.

A week passes and I have yet to hear from him. Each day I’ve become more and more accustomed to not talking or seeing him. Every day I grow a little stronger and more secure.

It hurts to know that he didn’t choose me. So much hurt that I couldn’t sleep the first few nights and cried so loudly that I would run to the bathroom and turn on the shower so my roommates wouldn’t hear me. God, they must think I have a phobia of dirt. I tried to rationalize his non-response as fear because he feels the same way and doesn’t know how to say it.

Slowly, I realize he’s doing what I asked him to do if he didn’t feel the same way. He’s not contacting me; he will never see me as more than a friend.

I accomplished what I set out to do. I relieved myself of the burden of harboring a secret love. I set him free, I set myself free. Life’s different without him and I miss him every day, but one day I will be able to share all that with someone that will reciprocate the love and that’s why I came clean. I let go for you, whoever you are. H.H.